Where does the water go?

I have a 16 gallon fish tank in my living room.  It is a beautiful trophy shaped tank that currently houses 5 mystery fish.  I swear I knew what kind of fish they were when I bought them.  I even wrote it down on the form needed to obtain said fish from the store.  Now I have not a clue what type of fish they are… but they are troopers!  Somehow they manage to live through week long vacations where I forget to put week long food supplies in the tank.  The heater that is to make sure they remain at a comfortable tempurature’s light is on but no one is home.

To make matters worse somehow the tank drinks water.  It reminds me of watching the water cooler at work slowly dwindle until there is nothing left.  I am not sure where the water is going?  There is no leak in the tank?  I stopped using the fish water for my evening tea.  I even removed the convenient drinking straw that ensured plenty of hydration from one side of the living room sofa.  Still the water falls about a gallon every day or so.

It reminds me of the one tire on my supreme hunk of crap car.  The one that I cuss out everytime I am running late for work that decides this is the best day to leak out all the air.  The reason I have had the tires resealed 4 times and finally broke down and bought a portable pump.  (I’ll be damned if I am paying the gas station $1 for AIR)

My house isn’t particularly dry, I have yet to fantasize about a mirage of a cola machine appearing in the distance while in my home… Wait I take that back.  But the fantasy isn’t borne of my slow dehydration due to the air in my home sucking me dry of vital fluids, its just…..mmm pop….

My point is how is it possible that gallons of fluid are disappearing from the fish tank at an alarming rate?!

I think I will set up a nanny cam and catch the fucker who drinking my fish’ precious water.  And when I do…..

…Maybe I will remember to put down a bowl of water for him in the morning…

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Another Really?! Moment… Wow

Gays and Lesbians have been fielding the world of Stupid questions for all of time.  The fact that this one question “The Question” still arises.  If you are Gay or a Lesbian you KNOW what question I am talking about.

Who is the “Man”?  Well that wasn’t really the question, the question came out in the following conversation…

Fucktard: “My cousin got married last weekend”

Me: “Fabulous”

Fucktard: “She was the groom”

Me: “What?”

Fucktard: “Are you going to be the groom?”

Me: “What?”

Fucktard: “Her wife wore a beautiful gown, I saw the pictures”

*In my head.. “no wonder you were not invited”

(Confused Lab head cock)

Me: “I don’t intend to anyone’s Groom, if your asking if I will be wearing pants… Yes”

Fuctard: “You know what else is amazing?”

*In my head… “that you have more to say on this topic?”

Me: “What?”

Fucktard: “She (cousin) is a twin too!”

Fucking Really?!

I am No Man, my future wife is also No Man.  If you want to know who changes the lighbulbs or programs the VCR (I know aging myself here) that would be me.  But I do it in a push up bra. So there you have it!

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A Really?! moment

I often find myself looking confused, like a lab with a cocked head that seems to be saying are you fucking for real?  People ask the stupidest questions.  Normally I would say there are no stupid questions but really when you come across a stupid question it is REALLY stupid!

Todays Stupid question of the day… well I guess I will have to first give some background so you can understand just how stupid of a question this really was.

I believe that all workplaces “spruce up”,”fudge” or otherwise work to deceive important visitors.  The goal?  To create an illusion of functionality, designed to impress said visitor(s).  This is currently going on in my office.  The walls are a prison grey with no windows, torn, dirty carpets and a recently cured infestation of bed bugs.  It is time to “Spruce up” the office and it just so happens that there is a HUGE potential business growth opportunity in the form of a visitor scheduled to arrive Tuesday morning.

Like a good employee and general kiss ass, I spent my 3 day weekend painting beautiful pictures for the walls to give the illusion of space, air and color.  The company is splurging on paint for the walls, the very same prison grey currently available for our viewing pleasure.  Ohhh and a deep blue “accent wall” so stylish!

Today I take a trip into the office (on my day off) to deliver the above mentioned paintings and one of my staff asked…

And I am not kidding… I quote… “After the visit on Tuesday can we please paint the walls a nicer color?”

Now don’t get me wrong… I too would love to walk into a bright cheery office everyday.  I would love to feel like I am sitting next to a babbling stream on a warm sunny day.  The nice prison grey on the walls is however successful in making me feel like i am doing my time each day.  The company doesn’t waste money… They are NOT going to put a fresh new coat of prison grey on the walls today and then come back Wednesday after the visit they just “spruced Up” for and repaint the walls in a nice bright airy color because you can’t possibly let an important visitor think you work in a pleasant environment!

Trying desperately not to say “you stupid fucktard, do you really think the company is going to spring twice in one week for paint and pay painters twice, cause a nice sunshine yellow would be swell?”  Instead I said, (in my most professional tone) It would be lovely to have some brighter colors in here, however the company would like to remain true to their “business colors” and in these difficult financial times it would not be advisable to do the same job twice.”  FUCK!!

That is like asking your mom as she turns off the stove and plates your dinner to cook something else because it would be nice to have Taco’s tonight rather than Roast Beast.  Please don’t make me smack you on my day off…

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